Yep. That’s what I look like while standing in a dressing room at the mall after walking for about 3 hours and trying on only 4 items the whole day. Joe and I had gone to Target earlier in the day to do some birthday shopping for my nephew and I thought I would try on some jeans since I need new ones for work. I grabbed the same size I am currently wearing, a 16 short in a boot cut. While I’m pulling them on, I’m saying to myself, “You’ve got this, these will fit!” Well, they didn’t fit. I had thought that the ones I wear every day had just shrunk in the dryer but nope, they really were too small and trying on a new pair just proved to me that I have gone too far. I am the largest I have ever been. I haven’t weighed myself because I’m afraid to. I have cried every day for the last 2 weeks because I’m unhappy with myself and it’s causing major problems in every aspect of my life. I have no confidence in myself and there are days where I don’t think I can do anything. I remember this feeling from middle school and the beginning of high school when I was super self conscience and I hate the fact that I was once so sure of everything I did and now, I don’t really believe in myself. I know that this line of thought is more unhealthy than my eating habits but I can’t stop thinking it. I look in the mirror every day and all I see is the fat version of who I once was. I see someone ashamed of who they are. I would almost even say that I hate myself for letting things get this far.
I have always looked for the easiest way to do something and my body is no different. I got this way because I hate exercise and I love food. I love the feeling of feeling full and I really love chocolate and fried food and ranch dressing. I have learned that I have almost an addictive personality in regard to food. If I like it, I’ll eat it until it’s gone and then I’ll want more. I am the type of person who is going to have to force myself to work-out more than twice a week and I am going to have to basically stop eating. When I say ‘basically stop eating’ I don’t mean anything extreme. It’s my way of telling myself that I need to eat only when I’m hungry and that the food I put in my body has to be for nutrition only, not for pleasure. This drastic and crazy mindset might work or it might fail miserably but I’ll never know until I try it out.
All I know is that I have to make a difference and I have to change everything I am doing. I need to lose 70 pounds and I need to do it the healthy way so it never comes back. I never want to be the Jessica who is typing this out today. I am unhappy with this Jessica and I will change. I have to.